Human connection is at the core of who we are. Even if you’re naturally shy or introverted, the ability to socialize and connect with others by developing strong social skills is essential for a fulfilling life.
Improving your social skills can open doors in your career, deepen your relationships, and make everyday interactions more meaningful. Whether you’re looking to enhance your conversations or feel more comfortable in social settings, this is a vital step.
To help you on this journey, here are 7 practical tips to boost your social skills and have better conversations with those around you.
Improve Your Body Language
The first tip on the list, is to improve your body language. This is crucial as it will significantly influence how others perceive and interact with you.
Keep your body relaxed and open to demonstrate that you are approachable. For example, avoid crossing your arms too much or always having your hands in your pockets.
You should also keep good eye contact. This will make you appear more confident and will show that you are engaged and interested in the conversation.
However, your smile will be your biggest advantage and is a real superpower. When you have a true and genuine smile on your face, you display positivity, without saying a word.
In ‘The Definitive Book of Body Language‘ by Allan & Barbara Pease, it states that a smile :
“tells another person you are non-threatening and asks them to accept you on a personal level. […] Smiling directly influences other people’s attitudes and how they respond to you.”. The person you are talking to will react and interact in a more positive way with you.”
Focus on Them
For the next tip, remember that everyone’s favourite topic of conversation is themselves.
So aim to make the other person feel important by focusing the conversation on them. Be enthusiastic when you see them and make them feel appreciated.
Give them praise and compliment when appropriate and laugh generously when they are funny. We like people who admire us ! But be genuine at all times. As Dale Carnegie said in his famous book “How to Win Friends and Influence People :
“The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.”
Don’t forget to also ask questions. Here’s another great quote from Dale Carnegie :
“To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other people will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.”
To apply this during small talk, here’s a quick tip that Leil Lowndes gives to readers in her book “How to Instantly Connect With Anyone” : Ask yourself what the person’s day has been like up until this point, and then ask them questions about it. Find out some trivial facts about their day. Sometimes what might seem trivial to you is important to the person you are speaking to. Simply ask them questions about their day up until this very moment.
But remember, there’s no point in focusing on the other person if you’re not going to listen to what they have to say…
Actively Listen
This brings us to tip number 3 : active listening. The number one social skill to have is also the simplest. Just listen to the other person.
This doesn’t mean just nodding your head, but also providing verbal acknowledgments to show that you are engaged in the conversation. Focus entirely on the person speaking, make eye contact, and avoid interrupting. Talk less than you listen!
Here’s a quick suggestion :
Listen and summarize what the other person just said back to them. This will show that you are indeed listening to the other person and that you understand what they are saying.
Active listening needs to be genuine. It means listening to understand, not listening to respond. Ask questions, but truly listen. As Celeste Headlee said in her TEDTalk :
“There is no reason to learn how to show you’re paying attention, if you are in fact, paying attention”
Listening is so important, but it doesn’t mean you need to be extreme with it. Don’t avoid answering questions that the other person may ask you. It’s okay to talk about yourself when prompted.
Be a Great Storyteller
Therefore, tip number 4 is to be a great storyteller, when it is your turn to speak. Stories captivate us. Research shows that our brains are stimulated when we hear these stories and allows the listener to connect with you more easily.
Storytelling could be considered a whole separate skill. But some of the basics include :
- Using present tense when narrating
- Capturing attention
- Changing your tone of voice and playing the different characters when appropriate
- Having enthusiasm when speaking. You should aim to fully commit to jokes and actions
- Be playful when the story is funny. Be genuine when the story is a little more serious
The number one mistake not to make when talking about yourself or when storytelling, is to try and gain the other person’s approval.
Don’t Try to Impress
The next tip then, is to avoid trying to impress. Have some self-worth! The only person that truly needs to like you, is yourself. And that’s okay, not everyone on earth is going to appreciate you. Don’t seek the approval of others by trying to impress them.
This kind of behaviour is typical of certain men that author Dr. Robert Glover calls Nice Guys. It often occurs when interacting with women :
“Nice Guys seek external validation in just about every social situation, but their quest for approval is the most pronounced in their relationships with women. Nice Guys interpret a woman’s approval as the ultimate validation of their worth.”
In his book “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, Dr Glover makes us consider what our lives would be like if we did not seek approval from others.
Now that is a real eye-opener! How would you talk to others, if you didn’t care what they thought of you? Close your eyes and picture it. Can you sense the confidence you’d have? Imagine how the conversation would just flow !
Be honest to yourself and to others about who you are. You need to get comfortable with your vulnerability and don’t hesistate to lean in to any embarrassment that may occur.
I’m sure we all know someone who is a smooth talker like this, full of charisma, and never trying to impress others. Or we’ve at least watched that kind of person on a TV show or film.
Observe And Learn From Others
Number 6 : Learn from others ! There are some great social skills to observe and that can be through real people or idealised people. I don’t believe we all want to be the same way, so just take inspiration from the people you want to resemble. That can be :
- Friends and family
- Colleagues and acquaintances
- Actors and Characters from films and TV show
The Youtube chanel Charisma on Command, often showcases celebrities and/or their movie personas. Here’s one video you’ll particularly enjoy:
It doesn’t necessarily have to be people that others find charismatic. Again, observe and take inspiration from people that inspire you and that you find charismatic. That will help you be more genuine and authentic.
Once you’ve taken inspiration from others, and that you now have a few tools under your belt, it’s time to go out and put everything into action.
Practice Your New Found Social Skills
The last tip on the list is to practice. Your social skills will not get any better if you don’t practice what you learn and observe.
There’s no need to force it though. You don’t have to approach a random person on the street if you don’t need or want to talk to that person. Here’s a few ways you can practice without going over the top :
- Have small talk with your local coffee shop barista who serves you coffee every other day.
- Try to be more present in your friend group.
- Join your coworkers for a coffee break
Basically, apply these tips in your ordinary social environments. Most of us often see the same people every day, so just talk to them more.
Another example is the social element of the gym or your sports club. Just be careful not to talk to anyone who doesn’t seem open to conversation. I talk a little more about this social environment in this article :
Ready to Get Fit? 10 Simple Steps to Begin Your Fitness Routine
To Recap
Don’t be fake about any of this. Talk and listen because you genuinely want to have a conversation. Show interest if you actually are genuinely interested, otherwise, get out of the conversation.
Be open and show it with your body language. Observe how others may do this.
Don’t forget to make the other person feel important by talking about them. Remember, everyone’s favourite conversation topic is themselves! But don’t lose your self-worth in the process.
And don’t forget to talk about yourself when asked. Learn to tell great stories !
Practice your social skills, it will change many aspects of your life, and whatever happens, you can handle it.